F: story time: momma

i came across this that i wrote back in october. in an attempt to be more open, i figured i would share. sorry it's super long.


"earlier this week, i texted my mom to tell her the cardinals won. (which they did not do tonight. so dumb.) her response: "forty-five years ago today, my dad died." ...... poor momma. this month will be five years since my grammy died. when she left, my mom just kept saying how she was an orphan. i didn't quite understand how she felt that way considering she was about to turn fifty. how does a fifty year old adult feel like an orphan?.. but i guess i never really understood my mom. until recently.


my mom, m. joyce kerr, was born into a tight-knit southern family. she has one brother, scott, who is twelve years older than her. she was a daddy's girl. but her daddy died from a heart attack when she was just nine years old. since my uncle was already out of the house, it was just her and my grammy from then on. they really were best friends. my mom could tell my grammy anything. and when my dad came into the picture, my grammy was a mom to him and he was a son to her. in 2004, we moved six hours away because of my dad's job. my grammy was in her late seventies, which she said was too old to be traveling that far. i think she just knew she didn't have much longer and didn't want to be buried so far away from my grandpa... leaving her broke my mom's heart.


before we moved, when i was eleven/twelve, my family went through a series of struggles. my dad got really sick and -from what i can remember- had to be in bed most of the time. my sister responded to everything by "acting out." my mom had a lot to deal with and was tired a lot, stressed out, overwhelmed. being young and selfish, i couldn't really see that. i just knew that i needed my mom, and she wasn't there. that's when i started to keep to myself.


after we moved, my mom was irritable a lot. she got mad when i didn't want to talk to grammy on the phone. i didn't understand that grammy needed us. i didn't understand that my mom was missing her mom, her best friend. that she was losing her...


a couple years later, grammy left. mom cried a lot. we didn't know how to help. she didn't know what would help either. she just got more irritable. and mad when my sister and i didn't have the same relationship with her that she had had with her mom. we didn't understand. and neither did she.


i love my mom. and my mom loves me. but we just don't think the same. she misunderstands me a lot. and i misunderstand her. she never really liked my choice of friends. she didn't ever get my sense of humor. and during high school, i was usually quick to judge her and low in patience towards her. occasionally, i would realize it and try to do better or tell her how i was feeling hurt by her. the response was always the same: i am the parent, so i am right. you are the child, so you are wrong. i didn't take that well. while her saying shouldn't have always been the standard, i started looking back and could see how i let my emotions take over a lot and didn't always give her the respect she deserved as my mother. so i would work at the relationship for a week or two, see little or no results, give up for a week, then repeat. during my senior year of high school, i finally said i was done trying. the cycle ended. and our relationship just became a series of surface conversations with no depth or emotion.


this past summer, my mom apologized for not acknowledging my feelings all those years, and she asked me what she could do to make things better between us. i don't think i have ever been so shocked. all this time, i had felt like i was the only one that cared and here she was finally admitting i am the parent, and there were times i messed up. my mom became an orphan at 50. and she's not going to let me push my family away in an attempt to make myself an "orphan" at 20. not everything is fixed, and we still don't have that relationship that she and her mom had, that she and my sister have. but my mom showed me that day that she wants to try. and hopefully one day i'll trust her enough to let her."