F: the ten confessions

1. i have recently developed a twitch in my right eye.
   big says it's from stress..
2. once a year, i really get into reading.
   usually cs lewis or holocaust books.
3. i go back and forth about thirty-eight times a day on whether or not to cut my hair.
4. when my roommates are gone, i practice ballet to "on my own" from les mis. or anything by yael naim. because her voice is great.
5. my biggest fear is disappointing everyone. anyone.
6. i'm afraid of the dark. heights. large bodies of water. bugs.
7. i may be addicted to candy pumpkins.
8. every time i go into the bathroom, i have to check if anyone is hiding in the shower.
9. i floss my teeth at least once, sometimes twice, a day.
10. i can't remember the last time i drank a glass of water.

p.s. i was able to talk to morgan tons more this week. SO needed since it has felt like the longest week of life. she's so great. also, shared what's been on my mind. nothing "solved," but boy is it nice to have someone to talk to. love her muchly.

freckles

F: ugh. just ugh. with a side of ugh.

these past few weeks have been... a lot. maybe it's because i cannot remember having a chance to just rest since that one day at the beginning of june - and who knows when before that. or maybe it's because i've been so stressed recently. whatever the case, i am having trouble getting over being bummed out. i've missed so many special days (especially bummed about rob's 30th birthday, my parents' 30th wedding anniversary, and SMOOFS BEING BORN.) and there were quite a few people i didn't really get to say goodbye to. i guess i'm starting to realize that i don't really know how many chances i have left to be with my rockford family. the kids are growing up so fast. everyone has so much going on. and when i'm here at school, i can't really be a part of it. it's hard, because i wouldn't want to be anywhere but here, and when i'm away from school, i miss my union family like crazy...

i just miss my best friend. i wish i could go sit on her couch and tell her everything that's going on in my head and hear about her life and laugh with her. and it honestly breaks my heart to not be able to see little adalynne. the richmonds, cartys, and kolanowskis are family. i hate that i can't celebrate with them and be near them.

i guess it's just that my heart is pulled in so many directions right now and i'm hurting because of it... 44 days since i left. roughly 75 til i'll be able to visit. wish my two worlds were closer. and really dreading the day when those two worlds will be split even more.

-freckles

C: An E-mail, A phone call, A letter

Two weeks and 2 days have passed since my cousin was killed. We had grown up most of our younger years together, doing each other’s hair, jumping on trampolines, singing Aaron Carter into the hair blow dryers, building forts, playing dress-up, having water balloon fights, and talking about boys. We lost touch around the time I went into high school. Our hanging out stopped, and our conversations ended; we grew apart.

We saw each other probably three times a year, and we did the cordial “How are you?” or “Any fun plans for the summer?” But All in all I didn’t know who Hannah was anymore, and she didn’t know me. She died under tragic circumstances that can’t really ever be explained. My mind tells me nothing I could have done could have prevented it. God is in control. He is sovereign and he loves his children. Right?

My heart is at odds with the fact that I could have emailed her, called her, sent her a freaking letter. Something. Anything. I should have reached out; I should have been a friend. I should have tried harder; I should have loved better. Why did I let us drift apart? Was there something I could have said?

 Hannah Oltz Barnes was in a lot of my growing up years and I grieve the fact that while on earth I will never get to share in a laugh with her, or hear about her crazy dramatic life. But, she is glorifying God in a way I can only imagine. Someday we will be reunited. “Oh the bliss of the glorious thought.”

The tears have stopped. And I’m at the feet of Jesus, asking him to carry me.

-curls

“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” Lamentation 3:22-23

F: everyone needs to know about smoofs

i've known chad and crystal carty for about three years, and i can tell you that they are true servants of God. they're just honest and real and loving and Christ-focused, in a way that is rarely seen. chad is the pastor of a church plant in the rockford area called "the harbor." we meet in their house for dinner, worship, and bible study each week. chad and crystal are blessings in my life as advisors and friends. i love them. they've been married for about eleven years and have struggled with not being able to have children. but they both have been patient for God's timing and trusting in His plan. they consider students like me to be their children and have gone out of their way to invest in us. several months ago after feeling God's call on them towards adoption, the cartys sent preliminary applications to a few adoption agencies. and then they waited, again, trusting God to be faithful.

at the beginning of june, chad received a call from one of the agencies about a possible match. they quickly got a profile together to present to the mother, and without hesitation, the mother knew the cartys were her pick. normally, adopting parents have to go through classes, fill out TONS of paperwork, and have multiple appointments with caseworkers and doctors before they are presented to birth parents, but clearly God had another plan here. the date chad and crystal were matched with this birth mom was just slightly over three months until the child was to be born. the past twelve weeks the cartys have not only been going through all this adoption work but also preparing to bring a newborn home, giving all glory to God and praising His faithfulness to their desire to be parents.

we now have just one week until this baby girl, that we have nicknamed "smoofs," will be born. i cannot explain the anticipation felt by the cartys, their families, and the harbor church family. it is so clear to us how God has worked in this situation, and it's awesome to have been along for the ride. in all honesty, there is still a chance the birth mom could change her mind once the baby is born, but God has been faithful up to this point. we know we can trust that He will work here, whatever the outcome. please join me in praying for the cartys this week and for God to continue to lead!

Lord God, thank You for Your faithfulness and Your grace in giving us things that we do not deserve. thank You for being present in our lives and directing our steps. thank You, Lord, for making this all happen, for bringing chad and crystal to where they are, for having Your way in their lives. i ask that You'll continue to keep the birth mom tina and baby smoofs healthy. please continue to use chad and crystal to share Your love and gospel story with tina. Lord, whatever happens in this next week, may You be glorified. draw everyone involved closer to You and show us Your power.

-freckles