Two weeks and 2 days have passed since my cousin was killed. We had grown up most of our younger years together, doing each other’s hair, jumping on trampolines, singing Aaron Carter into the hair blow dryers, building forts, playing dress-up, having water balloon fights, and talking about boys. We lost touch around the time I went into high school. Our hanging out stopped, and our conversations ended; we grew apart.
We saw each other probably three times a year, and we did the cordial “How are you?” or “Any fun plans for the summer?” But All in all I didn’t know who Hannah was anymore, and she didn’t know me. She died under tragic circumstances that can’t really ever be explained. My mind tells me nothing I could have done could have prevented it. God is in control. He is sovereign and he loves his children. Right?
My heart is at odds with the fact that I could have emailed her, called her, sent her a freaking letter. Something. Anything. I should have reached out; I should have been a friend. I should have tried harder; I should have loved better. Why did I let us drift apart? Was there something I could have said?
Hannah Oltz Barnes was in a lot of my growing up years and I grieve the fact that while on earth I will never get to share in a laugh with her, or hear about her crazy dramatic life. But, she is glorifying God in a way I can only imagine. Someday we will be reunited. “Oh the bliss of the glorious thought.”
The tears have stopped. And I’m at the feet of Jesus, asking him to carry me.
-curls
“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” Lamentation 3:22-23
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