F: story time: momma

i came across this that i wrote back in october. in an attempt to be more open, i figured i would share. sorry it's super long.


"earlier this week, i texted my mom to tell her the cardinals won. (which they did not do tonight. so dumb.) her response: "forty-five years ago today, my dad died." ...... poor momma. this month will be five years since my grammy died. when she left, my mom just kept saying how she was an orphan. i didn't quite understand how she felt that way considering she was about to turn fifty. how does a fifty year old adult feel like an orphan?.. but i guess i never really understood my mom. until recently.


my mom, m. joyce kerr, was born into a tight-knit southern family. she has one brother, scott, who is twelve years older than her. she was a daddy's girl. but her daddy died from a heart attack when she was just nine years old. since my uncle was already out of the house, it was just her and my grammy from then on. they really were best friends. my mom could tell my grammy anything. and when my dad came into the picture, my grammy was a mom to him and he was a son to her. in 2004, we moved six hours away because of my dad's job. my grammy was in her late seventies, which she said was too old to be traveling that far. i think she just knew she didn't have much longer and didn't want to be buried so far away from my grandpa... leaving her broke my mom's heart.


before we moved, when i was eleven/twelve, my family went through a series of struggles. my dad got really sick and -from what i can remember- had to be in bed most of the time. my sister responded to everything by "acting out." my mom had a lot to deal with and was tired a lot, stressed out, overwhelmed. being young and selfish, i couldn't really see that. i just knew that i needed my mom, and she wasn't there. that's when i started to keep to myself.


after we moved, my mom was irritable a lot. she got mad when i didn't want to talk to grammy on the phone. i didn't understand that grammy needed us. i didn't understand that my mom was missing her mom, her best friend. that she was losing her...


a couple years later, grammy left. mom cried a lot. we didn't know how to help. she didn't know what would help either. she just got more irritable. and mad when my sister and i didn't have the same relationship with her that she had had with her mom. we didn't understand. and neither did she.


i love my mom. and my mom loves me. but we just don't think the same. she misunderstands me a lot. and i misunderstand her. she never really liked my choice of friends. she didn't ever get my sense of humor. and during high school, i was usually quick to judge her and low in patience towards her. occasionally, i would realize it and try to do better or tell her how i was feeling hurt by her. the response was always the same: i am the parent, so i am right. you are the child, so you are wrong. i didn't take that well. while her saying shouldn't have always been the standard, i started looking back and could see how i let my emotions take over a lot and didn't always give her the respect she deserved as my mother. so i would work at the relationship for a week or two, see little or no results, give up for a week, then repeat. during my senior year of high school, i finally said i was done trying. the cycle ended. and our relationship just became a series of surface conversations with no depth or emotion.


this past summer, my mom apologized for not acknowledging my feelings all those years, and she asked me what she could do to make things better between us. i don't think i have ever been so shocked. all this time, i had felt like i was the only one that cared and here she was finally admitting i am the parent, and there were times i messed up. my mom became an orphan at 50. and she's not going to let me push my family away in an attempt to make myself an "orphan" at 20. not everything is fixed, and we still don't have that relationship that she and her mom had, that she and my sister have. but my mom showed me that day that she wants to try. and hopefully one day i'll trust her enough to let her."

C: I need help.

I need help.

I have a tendency to become addicted to specific musicians. I learn their entire lives. I want to become their best friend and or spouse. I get to the point where I dream that I am on a date with them. It’s a sickness. I’m working through it.  

Right now I am working through my love of Robin Pecknold, John McCrea, Amos Lee, Brett Dennen, Samuel Beam, Alex Ebert,  Scott Avett, Benjamin Goldwasser, Jeff Tweedy, Justin Vernon, Ben Lovett, M. Ward, and Ray Lamontagne.

I told you. I need help. 

-curls

F: i watch too many movies

a short list of some of my most favorite movies that i think everyone who knows me needs to see...

1.   wayne's world
2.   my girl
3.   awakenings
4.   mclintock!
5.   sabrina  (1954)
6.   death race
7.   funny girl
8.   gangs of new york
9.   a perfect getaway
10. westward the women
11. funny face
12. the strangers
13. what about bob?


i would also include the kill bill volumes, all the x-men movies, and the lord of the rings trilogy. that's it, for now... have i mentioned i watch too many movies?
-freckles

C: exams

They suck.

-curls

C: i'm thankful.

This semester is quickly coming to a close. Teachers seem to be rushing through their last lectures trying to make sure students learn everything they need to. Boys are getting in their last chance professions of love before break. Looks have stopped being a priority for the girls. And parents keep asking you if your grades are high enough. Stress is certainly at an all time high. People are asking themselves, Will I pass? Will I fail?

When I came to school in August, I thought the worst thing that could happen is that I would fail out of nursing school. How God has taught me to see him for what he is and know he is in control of my future, pass or fail. I’m his daughter and he loves me. I look back on the hardest semester of my college career and realize the blessings that God gave me. One in particular is my roommates and their love for me; they seem to always have a listening ear and much needed hug. God uses his people to help each other. God is good. He is constant.

And I’m thankful.

-curls.

fictional characters we would date if they were real

      Curls                                       Freckles
1. Jim Halpert                       1. Jim Halpert
    The Office                              The Office
2. Dr. Spencer Reid              2. Eric Forman
    Criminal Minds                     That 70s Show
3. Dr. John Carter                3. Peter Parker
     ER                                          Spiderman
4. Dr. Jack Shephard           4. Burt Farlander
    LOST                                       Away We Go
5. Jacob Palmer                    5. Tom Hansen
    Crazy Stupid Love                 500 Days of Summer
6. Arthur                                6. Noah Calhoun
    Inception                               The Notebook
7. Chandler Bing                   7. Christian
    Friends                                    Moulin Rouge
8. Jack Kelley                         8. Oliver Martin
    Newsies                                  A Lot Like Love
9. Tim Riggins                        9. Bret McKenzie
    Friday Night Lights                Flight of the Conchords
10. Oliver Martin                   10. Tom Leezak
      A Lot Like Love                        Just Married
11. Marshall Eriksen              11. Ethan
     How I Met Your Mother        Something Borrowed
12. Jack Dawson                      12. future Simon Bellamy
      Titanic                                        Misfits
13. Ben Wyatt                          13. Paulie Bleeker
       Parks and Recreation             Juno
14. Abed Nadir                         14. Guy Patterson
      Community                                That Thing You Do
15. Nathan Scott                      15. Wolverine
      One Tree Hill                             X-Men

F: my town, chi-town

i just got this sudden desire to be in chicago, just walking around, enjoying the city. and it's weird. i've never really thought of it as home before now. granted, i live a ways out from chicago itself, but i've just never wanted to be there instead of here. i've for sure wanted to be with people from northern illinois, but not to just BE THERE.

i guess it's 'cause i was telling a friend about ed debevics and then just started thinking about all my trips into the city and how next to none of my friends here have any idea what i'm talking about. and no one here or in rockford have much of a clue about my life in the southern sickness (aka so ill). they don't really understand where i'm coming from.

i love union. i feel at home here. and i really feel like i fit. yet, i still feel detached sometimes. i suppose i subconsciously assumed once i found a fit, i'd be "complete" or at peace. it's just another reminder that our completeness won't be achieved in a place, in another person, in a job, in success. true completeness, true peace doesn't come from who we are but rather who God is. i am at peace knowing that Christ took my burden and gave me hope, knowing that He is in control of my circumstances, and knowing that my completeness isn't dependent on my fitting in or being understood by my peers. my true fit is in the arms of my Savior, walking in His righteousness and claiming His truth.

find rest, o my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, i will not be shaken. my salvation and my honor depend on God; He is my mighty rock, my refuge. - psalm 62
this is home to me.

-freckles